Friday, November 26, 2004

Fwd: a funny one

Ottawa, Canada: The flood of American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls
for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The
re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among
left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray
and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not
uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out
to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer
huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a
chance to show him my screenplay." In an effort to stop the illegal
aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled
them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across
the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got
through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves."A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload
without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa
Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent
back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about
the Bush administration establishing re-education camps, in which
liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to
posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk
Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian
citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an
organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease
tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick
Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps.
The president is determined to reach out."


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